A Scientific Examination of the Effects Of Beer and Bordom on Primitive Man

08:16 – I crack beer #1. There’s a Tony Bennett special on. I'm watching Tony Bennett and K.D. Lang and I wonder...she may be attracted to chicks, but... how can they be attracted to her?

08:24 - Still on beer one - It's gonna take me a while to get scathing. Just wait for it.

08:32 - I was actually enjoying this Tony Bennett special until Elton John showed up. I'm tired of seeing Tony sing with girls. I'm feeling surlier already. I stomp off in anger for beer #2.

08:45 - I got distracted by a moth.

08:48 – More Tony – Him and Stevie Wonder are singing together. You have to give it to Tony Bennett. He's 104 years old and he looks and sings great. And him and Stevie Wonder look and sound great together. For the record, Stevie Wonder has no idea how Tony Bennett looks.

09:00 - This is the hour when usually, if I'm bored, I start thinking about going to Applebees and seeing Michelle. Michelle is the object of my desire. One of them, anyway. She's got great legs, my Michelle. I love Michelle.

09:05 - I'm wrestling with this, I really want to go out. But I go out too much. But I wanna leer at Michelle. But I don’t need to spend the money. But I wanna leer at Michelle. If there's any reason why God put me here, that has to be it. That and paying Michelle's electric bill. I love Michelle.

09:06 - See the problem here is that 1.) I have no scratch and 2.) I have, uh, 16 beers in my fridge. Better make 15. Be right back.

09:12 - I'm fighting it. I really don't have the scratch. Did I mention I usually tip her well? I tip her well. Damn it. I really shouldn’t go.

09:20 - I'm wrestling with this. I wish there was some wrestling on. Wait, ECW is on Sci-Fi at 10pm. Michelle or wrestling? Wresting's cheaper. Damn.

09:22 - Chappelle's show just had a gag, one playa says to another playa, "Buck Nasty, you so nasty that when you touch yourself it's black on black crime". That's just good comedy.

09:41 - I'm on beer #4, boy, I've had four beers in about an hour. I can see how that whole "logging your drinking" thing recovering alcoholics do would be educational. But then getting kicked in the nuts can be educational too, but I bet you'd want a drink right afterwards.

09:55 - Beer #5. Hee.

09:58 - I check my Myspace page. Nothing new. Myspace has become somewhat dissapointing lately. I'm thinking of shit-canning that whole gig.

10:15 – I wish I was at Applebee’s with Michelle. I wish Michelle was here. The Full Blooded Italians are on ECW. I'm pathetic.

10:19 - I'm going to drink the last brew of the night and eat some soup my Mom made me. This just gets better and better. Is this all there is?

10:20 - Screw the soup. No soup for me. I'm going to A-bee's. Game on.

10:22 - Hi, Michelle. How are ya? What, did I notice the rate hike the electric company had in the last bill? Uh, no... no, I didn't... doesn't matter, baby, we're still livin' and havin' fun.

By the way... nice legs. :)