Arena Baseball

If I said I took performance enhancing drugs to make funnier posts, would baseball players care?

Of course they wouldn’t.

So, why should I give a fat fart whether they used steroids or not?

Now, before you get all hot and bothered, know this: I hate baseball.

Not the game. I enjoy the game itself. I like to play it. I just don’t like to watch it. It bores me.

The only thing more boring than a baseball game to me is watching my toenails grow. (By the way, they grow faster in colder climates, but that’s another post down the line, I guess.)

And their season literally goes on FOREVER. I remember once taking a leak after the World Series ended, and by the time the sound of the flush faded, it was baseball season again.

I once went to a Devil Rays game. I don’t like baseball, but I thought I would go to the Devil Rays game on the off chance that it might piss off some Christians who still haven’t gotten over the word “Devil” in their title. Plus, I hadn’t seen Tropicana Field since it was the old Thunderdome, and I wanted to check it out.

Mid-way through the first inning, I was bored. I asked my friend if that was a bad sign and he said “yes”, so I went to the bar inside the building and watched NFL Europe. The NFL Europe game had more people in the stands than the Rays game.

I was once coming back from a Dolphins game in Miami and WIOD reported that a whopping 350 people showed up for the Florida Marlins game.

350 people.

Now, I’m no sports executive, but even I know that 350 people showing up to watch my professional sports franchise aint enough. If it were moonshine, it wouldn’t be enough to get a fly high.

America’s game, my ass. The only markets who care anymore are the old markets, Detroit, New York, Boston…. They get more than 350 people at the games, to be sure.

However, The Leebinator has a plan that, if baseball was willing to listen, would make it a National Pastime again and allow it to compete with the sport that really is the National Pastime, FOOTBALL.

I can make baseball infinitely more watchable and exciting. How, you ask, dear reader?

Simple.

Give every player a bat.

Seriously.

When the batter hits the ball, he keeps the bat and runs to first base. There, he meets the first baseman who wields a bat of equal size and power. There, these two titans can put their ‘roid rage to good use by physically assaulting each other until one wins. This battle resumes on second base, third base and home plate, respectively.

But they aren’t the only ones. Give the outfielders bats too. When the ball gets hit to them, they hit it right back. Infielders go for the ball and the out. Basemen don’t. They’re busy fighting.

Now I know this concept sounds far out… kind of like Highlander with bats. But I prefer to think of it more as Arena Baseball. And really…. who wouldn’t watch Arena Baseball?

The ratings would go through the roof. Why, on the ten o’clock news, when they show a home run hit into the stands… well, you might actually see people. In the stands.

And as these idiot baseball players beat the hell out of each other, maybe they can knock each other off one by one until, in the end, there can be only one. And then we’d shoot him.

Man.

I guess I really don’t like baseball.