THE DAN MARINO COLLECTION: The South Florida Edition

Greetings, programs.

Well, I haven't been on here in a while. As many of you know, my Mom is very sick. I don't realy plan on using this blog to talk about that. Because, like pro wrestling, this blog is about entertainment. However, I do want to thank everyone for the positive vibes being sent my family's way. Thanks for the kindness.

Things are looking a little positive and I am trying to have a little fun again. Last weekend, before this terrible week, we took Dan to a place he's familar with: South Florida.

I'm sure when my buddy Raj hooked me and Dano up, he had no idea all the places we would see together.

At the very least, he had no idea how retarded I truly am.

Either way.... enjoy!

Dan cast a tall shadow over Dolphins Training Camp at Nova U in Davie.

Dan at American Airlines Area, where the Miami Heat play.

Dan The Man at Key Biscayne

Dan makes Mike Guerdon want to barf.

On Virginia Beach in Key Biscayne, there's a place called Jimbo's.

You have to know somebody to know about Jimbo's.

Jimbo's has been around for eons, where folk go to hang out, drink cold beer, fish and play batchiball.

From Playboy to Sports Illustrated, many a photo shoot has taken place at Jimbo's.

Dan adds his own bad self to the collection.

Jimbo's is a difficult place to describe.

It's like a combination of The Vatican and a junkyard. It's Dilapidated Holy Ground.

This is from Wikipedia about Jimbo's:

"World famous Jimbo's Place is a tiny fish restaurant at the end of the road on Virginia Key. It is not a traditional establishment, but rather small group of shacks, abandoned vehicles, washed-up boats and engine parts over-run by stray cats and chickens. Beer, soda, and smoked salmon are sold for very cheap, and Jimbo's is known to many as one of the last refuges from the urban sprawl of Miami."

Jimbo's is a vibe. It's a happening. It's a very strange, very cool place.

Here Dan and The Jimmer watch batchiball.

There's just no place like Jimbo's. Just ask Dan The Man.

Dan's at Hooters in Coconut Grove in Miami.

Hooters, Hooters, get Dan some,

Hooters, Hooters, yum, yum, yum,

Hooters, Hooters on a girl that's dumb.

Later, Dan went to the Game.

Your final score, Dolphins 17, Raiders 15. I consoled Mike Guerdon until my throat was sore.

The LPR, or Leebo's a wuss!

This post is going to be offensive and topical. I love it when I can work those two together.

I’ve taken a rash of shit today because I haven’t given blood.

Everyone in the building is giving blood. But I can’t.

See, it breaks the LPR.

The LPR is the Leebo Penetration Rule. The LPR is as follows: Leebo will not be penetrated by anyone or anything if Leebo can help it.

I can’t:

* Have an earring

* Have a tattoo

* Get jabbed with a needle

* Have intercourse with anyone or anything that would require The Leeman’s role to be “the catcher”.

All of these things break the LPR.

So, today I’m getting the guilt trip. Let me address what has been said.

“ C’mon Leebo, it’s not that bad.” – Yes it is. It involves someone jabbing a needle in me and purloining my precious bodily fluids.

I don’t do good with needles. I once gave blood, and afterwards, I was lying there feeling quite sick. (I have to lie down to give blood. If I’m sitting up I pass right out.) And I’m lying there and I start to feel better. Then I’m thinking, “Hey, I feel fine”, and I get up and start walking down the hall to go back to whatever it is I do.

The next thing I remember, I’m on the floor and a huge nurse that smelled like day-old milk has her flabby arms wrapped around me. I was told that I walked down the hall, leaned on the wall and slipped downward until I hit the floor.

I don’t remember.

What I do remember is being wrapped in the massive arms of an extremely obnoxious rotund woman. And she was digging it. I could tell.

This aggression will not stand. This cannot happen again and my adherence to the LPR has prevented such an occurrence from taking place.

“There’s a shortage of blood.” – Well, then, tell the WWE and TNA and all those Cage Fighting folk to stop squirting the juice for our entertainment. If there’s such a shortage, tell them to stop. It’s just being wasted on the mat. I’m not sure there really is a shortage anyway. You never see anyone hanging around the ring with a jar hoping to collect a few drops, do you?

“It’s just a little prick.” – Yeah, that’s what she said. (Not the nurse)

“In a few minutes it’ll all be over.” – Yeah, that’s what I said. (Not to the nurse)

“You’ll show your team spirit, joining in with your company teammates.” – Listen, I’ve been to many meetings with some of my Company teammates. I've interacted with them perosnally. Many of these interactions have not only made me want to shed my own blood but made me want to shed their blood as well. If I can’t have both, then forget it. All or nothing at all.

“There’s Hooters girls in the blood van.” – Temping, but contrary to popular belief, I’m not that dumb.

“You’ll save someone’s life.” – Yeah? Who’s?

Who’s life will I save?

What if they are a bad person?

Suppose, just suppose, I give blood, and they use my blood on someone who kills someone? Wouldn’t I be responsible in some capacity? Wouldn’t that make me an accomplice?

I can’t take the chance my precious blood could go into the body of a raving maniac. Bad enough it would be coming out of one. I don't want to be an accomplice to murder. Best to leave things as they are.

What if... I give my blood to someone, and then I vote in the Presidential Election, and I save their life and they vote the other way?

Haven't I just nullified my own vote? I might as well not even vote in the first place! And that, my freinds, would just be plain Un-American. I can't risk it. Like Hulk Hogan, I AM a real American. I'm a lazy slacker that reads too many comic books and drinks too much beer and relies on others to fight in foreign wars in countries I've never heard of. I don't want to give all that up to give blood. Best to leave things as they are.

What if I donate blood..... and the person getting my blood is just a complete prick?

What if he or she gets my blood, and then becomes even more of a prick? What if I give my blood, and then that person spends the rest of their lives being mean, cruel and awful to everyone they meet? I hate mean people. WHAT A COMPLETE WASTE OF MY BLOOD AND TIME THAT WOULD BE. Best to leave things as they are.

I can’t give blood today.

It breaks the LPR.

And I simply can’t risk my blood going into the body an Engineer.

Best to leave things as they are.

The Miami Dolphins - HOWYOULIKEUSNOW?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, folks. It's not a dream, it's not an illusion.

Your Miami Dolphins are 5-4.

On my birthday weekend, Your Florida Gators and Your Miami Dolphins (Your two favorite teams, natch) whupped tremendous amounts of ass. Let's recap some stuff, shall we?

Them Gators are gonna play Nick Saban and the Crimson Tide pretty soon, and all I have to say is: Nick Saban sucks. I hope Tim (Rhymes with Leebo) Tebow gives Nick Saban a humilating kick in the crotch.

GO GATORS!

Now, let's talk about your Miami Dolphins.

The Phins are 5-4 and they are actually talking playoffs. Whoa.

What a tremendous job The Tuna and Coach Sparano have done. After the Cam Cameron "era" of 1-15 last year, to have a winning record in mid season this year is nothing short of remarkable. And we're WINNING games. Other teams aren't losing them. We are winning them.

The offense has kind of sputtered the last two games, but the defense has played well enough to keep us in it. Ted Ginn Jr. is becoming a real threat at wide receiver, thus fullfilling Grudly Mankinko's phopecy that I will "learn to love him".

Grud didn't say the same about Chad Pennington, but he's become the best QB we have had since Dan The Man. He's quietly become one of the best QB's in the league. I have changed my mind about him, he's allright with me. Just don't leave me hanging, Chad. (That's a little political humor).

Ronnie Brown has been a phenom. When was the last time someone ran for 4 TD's and threw for another one against the Patriots and was so totally ignored? I just may have to buy a #23 jersey.

Even Ricky Williams has made some plays. His "passion for football" and all.

If you look at the season, there's plenty of reasons to be optmistic. let's break it down.

Currently we are 5-4. Our schedule is as follows, and for shits and giggles, let's assume we lose to everyone in the AFC East left to play.

Oakland - They're terrible. Sorry Grud, gonna be long day for you Sunday, pal. I'll make sure of that. 6-4.

New England - we beat them once this year in New England, but for the purposes of this experiment, we'll lose to all of the AFC East. But the Patroits still suck. 6-5.

St. Louis - I love the Rams. But they're awful. 7-5.

Buffalo (in Toronto) - AFC East. Buffalo sucks. 7-6.

San Francisco - Mike Singletary will drop his pants one more time and show the Phins where to insert. 8-6.

Kansas City - Here's how bad they are: 67 year old Damon Huard, who used to back up Dan Marino, is their best QB. 9-6.

New York Jets - They beat us in the first game of the year, but we are not the same team. It will be Pennington's first trip back to NY since they chucked him to the weeds, so they'll be motivated to kick the Jets asses. But, AFC East, J-E-T-S-S-U-C-K, Jets suck! 9-7.

So there you go. The Phins could actually finish 9-7 or better. Even if it's worse, and I don't think it will be, it's a tremendous accomplishment for the organization. This is a team that believes in itself and has got some swagger. It will be interesting to see how it all plays out.

GO DOLPHINS!

And, I would be remiss if I didn't at least mention my CFL team I love so much and follow when I'm in Abbotsford, your Vancouver-based BC Lions.

Your BC Lions are 11-7 and play the Clagary Stampeders in the Division Championship on Saturday. The winner of that contest goes to the Grey Cup Game, their version of The Big Game At the End. Cool!

GO LIONS!

I'll be at the Dolphins/Raidas game this weekend, recording the Dolphins thrill of victory and Mike Guerdon's agony of defeat.

Be there. Aloha.

A Kick-Ass Birthday

Figure 4.0a - Alstott up the middle, touchdown Tampa Bay!

Figure 4.0b - How many other guys can say their girl got them a personalized wishing-me-a-Happy-Birthday from Mike Alstott signed football? I can!

You.... not so much.

Well, The Leeman's birthday has come and gone, and what a great time.

Frisky got me a personalized Mike Alstott football for my birthday. Note, he even wrote "Happy Birthday" on it. Unexpected, unbelievable and extremely cool.

Not only did she do this, but she has made Mike aware of THE LEEBO SHOW. She printed out the recent post when I went to the Bucs game a couple of weeks ago and he liked it and asked if he could have it.

So, in effect, no one may actually read this blog, but at least Mike Alstott is aware of my existance. Cool.

I said some nice things about him in that post and I meant every word. #40 is and always will be one of my favorite players, and one of my favorite people in the NFL. The League could use a lot less Pacman (Pacmen?) Jones and a lot more Mike Alstotts (and they could use more Warrick Dunns too, for that matter).

What an awesome chick. What a thoughtful gift. Thanks, Friskiest Girl I Know!

The ball was significant during Sunday's NFL action, as I took the ball to our local sports bar downtown, THE GYM to catch the games.

Figure 4.0c - The 40 ball is worshipped by a Dolphan.

Figure 4.0d - The closest I'll ever get to hoisting one with Mike Alstott.

The "40 ball" as I now call it, is defintiely a prized possesion. Pretty cool gift, from a pretty cool chick.

And also great football player (Alstott, not Frisky). I raise my glass to you again, #40.

The Bucos has a bye week this week, so there are probably less hangovers at The Damn Newcombes. Your Miami Dolphins are now 5-4 and have a winning record, an awesome achievment after last year's 1-15 debacle. I shall be discussing this later, I assure you.

It was a great birthday.

And that's the bottom line, cuz Leebo said so.

Engineers

Figure NCC-1701, the only Engineer that has ever made any sense to me.

I hate working with Engineers.

Engineers don’t have know anything about the particular business you are in or how things work.

Engineers know everything about the business and any other business for that matter and how things work.

And since Engineers know everything about everything, they should be excused for being unable to have a normal conversation. Unfortunately, I can’t excuse them. Anyone who can’t have a normal conversation is an idiot, I don’t care how many degrees they might have.

See, when you talk about something with an Engineer, as I have found with most Engineers I’ve worked with (and I worked with plenty for Shell, believe me), they are unable to stay on the point without going into all kinds of frivolous detail and theoretical scenarios around the particular subject you are talking about.

They will take a straightforward subject and malign it to the point that not only have you beaten the dead horse, you have propped the dead horse up, dressed it in fine attire and taken multiple pictures of the dead horse from various angles that you will later file in a desk drawer somewhere, never to be seen again. But they’ll be there if you ever need them.

It has been my experience that when you are totally on track with getting something done, and you add an Engineer to the mix, BOOM, watch it go all over the freakin’ road rather quickly.

For people who supposedly pride themselves on their attention to detail, they are truly the most inefficient people I have ever met. To them, the simplest of matters must be dissected down into kinds of detail that the matter in question never had to begin with. Let me give you an example.

There is a rock sitting in a garden. To you and I, it is a rock. Sitting in the garden.

But you and I are complete morons. We need an engineer to tell us about it.

To us, the “norms”, if you will, there is a rock sitting in the garden.

To the Engineer, it goes like this.

The rock is not simply a rock, it is piece of indigenous matter sprung forth from other matter that clearly needs to be identified. For the sake of this exercise, we shall call it a “rock” so your untrained mind will follow the sophisticated line of thought that we are about to set forth. Try to keep up, please.

The origins of the “rock” need to be identified and classified as to where the “rock” actually came from, and when it arrived in the garden and then all of the responsible parties involved in the migration of the “rock” need to be identified and the process from where the “rock” came from needs to be mapped.

There are also theoretical scenarios during the migration of the “rock” from Point A to Point B, a.k.a. what you call “the garden”. For the purposes of this exercise, we will continue to call it “the garden” so your untrained mind will follow the sophisticated line of thought that we are about to set forth. Try to keep up, please.

There are also scenarios that could affect the entire process where the “rock” could actually have wound up somewhere else other than “the garden”. These scenarios can represent a failure of the entire process and must be avoided at all costs. These scenarios must be documented, procedures put in place, and massive amounts of redundant training must be applied to assure that this does not ever happen. If it does happen, all of the work we do in regard to these processes must be reviewed and adapted and people need to be retrained to ensure that it can never happen again.

There also is matter of the positioning of the “rock” in “the garden”. We must decide who is responsible for the actual positioning of the “rock” in the “garden”. The process for who makes the decision and who signs off on it must be flowcharted and that flowchart must be approved by an appropriate manager. Of course, we don’t have a procedure for how flowcharts are done, so we must map out the process for how flowcharts are created, who signs off on them and then flowchart the flowcharting process. After that is done, and everyone has been properly trained, we can flowchart the process of the actual positioning of the “rock” in the “garden”.

And you know what, I’m just not comfortable calling it a “rock” or a “garden”. What you call the “rock” is really “indigenous matter”, isn’t it? Yes, you can see that, I think… and therefore, what you call the “garden” is really the “resting area” isn’t it? Yes, I think your simple, common brain can understand that now, especially after several minutes of listening to me.

So what we really have is a process, where our indigenous matter flows through a variety of different possible scenarios, all rigidly planned, to where the processes, if they are properly executed, will enable the indigenous matter to assume it’s proper position in the resting place so that it can achieve optimum efficiency in what it is supposed to do.

But what is it supposed to do? Has anyone written a proper job description for it? Well, then, job descriptions must be written for the indigenous matter (or the “rock”, if you can still follow me) and resting area (the”garden”, you idiot) and all of the proper parties involved in the process need to have job descriptions as well. Also, if we do not have proper procedures in place for who writes and approves job descriptions, we will need those as well.

Also, I’m just not comfortable with the positioning of the indigenous matter in the resting place. Has anyone mapped out the resting place to know that the positioning of the indigenous matter is correct? Has there ever been a study done on this? Perhaps the indigenous matter can accomplish more over there. Yes, the resting place must be mapped into a grid, with each grid being broken into sectors, with each sector being rated, on a scale of 1 to 10, on its optimum efficiency.

Now that we are all on the same page, I want all of this done by Tuesday. I’m going to get some coffee now and go back to doing whatever it is I do.

I truly do hate dealing with this kind of mentality. And you why?

Because sometimes a rock is just a f-ing rock, man.

THE PARTY AVENGER ADRESSES THE BODY POLITIC

Hi. Avenger here.

Where am I again?

Oh yeah. Here.

I’m told we had an election.

Leebo says we have a new President. At least, that’s what I think he said.

I was in kind of a haze.

I oughta check that out.

I’ve saved all the newspapers from the last few months.

Let me thumb through these… let’s see…

… Oh, Mitt Romney’s out?

Good. He sucks.

Hmmmm, Huckabee’s out too. Chuck Norris likes him.

I don’t like the sumbitch, but I’d never tell Chuck that.

Let’s just go to the top of the pile.

Huh! Obama/Biden vs. McCain/Palin.

IN A STEEL CAGE!

Sorry, I can never resist that joke.

Mmmmmmm…Sarah Palin looks kinda hot.

I’d hit that.

But she looks like she could rip the heart out of a moose, show the heart to the moose while the heart was still beating, and eat the heart in front of the moose before it drops dead.

I stole that joke from Jon Stewart.

Ya know, I DVR’ed all the political commercials from the last 6 months. Perhaps I shall watch all of those and get a good grasp on the candidates before I find out who won.

Just turn the DVR on here…. and here we go.

*****MANY EXCRUCIATING HOURS LATER*****

Well, I’m good and negative now. And kinda pissed off.
What else is new?

Well, let’s turn on MSNBC and see who won. They should tell me relatively quickly, because no one but me watches MSNBC.

Huh! Barack Obama? Barack Obama won?

He’s become the nation’s first black President?

But isn’t he a Muslim?
And an Arab?
And an Elitist?
And a Socialist?
And unpatriotic?
And unqualified?
And a promise-breaker?
And a terrorist?

Isn’t he a promise-breaking, unqualified, unpatriotic, Elitist, Muslim, Arab terrorist Socialist?

Huh.

Ya know, if he’s a promise-breaking, unqualified, unpatriotic, Elitist, Muslim, Arab terrorist Socialist… where does he find the time to be black?

Oh well. Seems like a nice guy.

Good for him. I’m going back to bed.

Leebo, if you’re reading this, bring me back some McNuggets.

And no jokes about which part of the McChicken the McNugget comes from either.

That shit gets old.

Yes, we did.

Figure 1-0, Obamaman, painted by the amazing Alex Ross.

Well, America has spoken. Barack Obama is the next President of the United States.

I know happy people, I know sad people right now.

I'm pretty happy about myself, if for no other reason than we have a chance to look good again in the eyes of the international community. Maybe Canadians won"t be so pissed off at us anymore. That's a good thing, eh?

A truly historic day.

Not because he's the first black President. Because America isn't as dumb as I thought. We got some dumb mofos walking around this country... and most of 'em vote.

I'm grateful the voters have not voted in the Dick Chaney Show again. That's an Axis of Evil if I ever saw one.

The Republican party has received a serious punch in the mouth and they have no one to blame but themsleves. And Dubya.

Sweet.

I've been informed that The Party Avenger will be addressing this historic situation today. I can't wait to get his take on the matter. He's been strangely absent during this time. I assume he will be back with a vengence.

Of course, he won't won't be addressing it until later in the day.

Like Geroge W. Bush, he likes to sleep in.

Indecision 2008: Gock the Vote!

Well, folks, it's election day and history will be made one way or the other.

The Leeman has voted. The eagle has landed.

I went to my voting establishment with the intent to wait in line, as the media tells me this morning that there's mile-long lines everywhere. I walked in and walked out. The whole process took 20 minutes. I can only attribute it to the lack of any sort of literacy in Polk County. No lines where I vote.

I don't think the Today Show would intentionaly lie to me. I'd like to trust Ann Curry. I'd kinda like to spank her, too. But I digress.

Figure 1-A: Ann Curry, infinitley spankable.

Citizen Frisky and I were talking about this last night, but it bears repeating. It never ceases to amaze me how these State and County Amendments are phrased in such ambiguous and elaborate language on the ballot so as to confuse you as to their meaning. No wonder old people in Florida are confused. No wonder our chads are hanging.

Here's a good example: This is an actual Amendment on the Polk County ballot.

"Requires Legislature to provide a property tax exemption for real property encumbered by perpetual conservation easements or other perpetual conservation protections, defined by general law. Requires Legislature to provide for classification and assessment of land used for conservation purposes, and not perpetually encumbered, solely on the basis of character or use. Subjects assessment benefit to conditions, limitations, and reasonable definitions established by general law. Applies to property taxes beginning in 2010."

WTF? Do you know what this says? "Tax breaks for conservation, yea or nay"? That's it, in simple and direct language.

Why can't they just use simple and direct language? Sometimes, many times, because it doesn't fit their agenda. They try to overuse rhetoric to cloud the issue and make you vote their agenda in without even realizing what you're doing. These are the same people that turned "toilet paper" into "bathroom tissue".

This year I went to the Internet and got the meanings of these wordy, tawdry things in plain, simple language. I'm glad I did, because our local politicos tried to pull a few fast ones, especially our County Comission, who have four (FOUR!) Amendments trying to "fix" our County Charter that's not broken. Dig this gem, straight from the ballot:

County Amendment 3: Requires approval of at least sixty percent (60%) of electors voting in a referendum election to pass initiative proposed Ordinances.

Now, I'm not as intelligent as a City Comissioner. I'm moreso, apparently. Because unlike them, I can do simple math.

Last time I checked, 51% of the vote is the majority. You wanna hike it to 60%? What kind of shit agenda is that? The Leeman voted a big, fat NO to that one, folks.

Normally, I am what politicos fear, the uninformed, drunken voter who wants everyone out. And I still am. But I'm glad I did my research on the Amendments, because these County shysters tried to fix a few things that weren't broken.

I have much more to talk about in regard to things, including your Miami Dolphins being at .500 after smacking The Denver Donkeys in the mouth. (WOO-HOO!) But I'll save that for future posts this week.

Today is all about Voting Day. I voted. I have a neat little widget up top of this here blog. I' m feeling good.

So what are you waiting for? Go out and Gock the vote.

Ya gock.