This post is going to be offensive and topical. I love it when I can work those two together.
I’ve taken a rash of shit today because I haven’t given blood.
Everyone in the building is giving blood. But I can’t.
See, it breaks the LPR.
The LPR is the Leebo Penetration Rule. The LPR is as follows: Leebo will not be penetrated by anyone or anything if Leebo can help it.
I can’t:
* Have an earring
* Have a tattoo
* Get jabbed with a needle
* Have intercourse with anyone or anything that would require The Leeman’s role to be “the catcher”.
All of these things break the LPR.
So, today I’m getting the guilt trip. Let me address what has been said.
“ C’mon Leebo, it’s not that bad.” – Yes it is. It involves someone jabbing a needle in me and purloining my precious bodily fluids.
I don’t do good with needles. I once gave blood, and afterwards, I was lying there feeling quite sick. (I have to lie down to give blood. If I’m sitting up I pass right out.) And I’m lying there and I start to feel better. Then I’m thinking, “Hey, I feel fine”, and I get up and start walking down the hall to go back to whatever it is I do.
The next thing I remember, I’m on the floor and a huge nurse that smelled like day-old milk has her flabby arms wrapped around me. I was told that I walked down the hall, leaned on the wall and slipped downward until I hit the floor.
I don’t remember.
What I do remember is being wrapped in the massive arms of an extremely obnoxious rotund woman. And she was digging it. I could tell.
This aggression will not stand. This cannot happen again and my adherence to the LPR has prevented such an occurrence from taking place.
“There’s a shortage of blood.” – Well, then, tell the WWE and TNA and all those Cage Fighting folk to stop squirting the juice for our entertainment. If there’s such a shortage, tell them to stop. It’s just being wasted on the mat. I’m not sure there really is a shortage anyway. You never see anyone hanging around the ring with a jar hoping to collect a few drops, do you?
“It’s just a little prick.” – Yeah, that’s what she said. (Not the nurse)
“In a few minutes it’ll all be over.” – Yeah, that’s what I said. (Not to the nurse)
“You’ll show your team spirit, joining in with your company teammates.” – Listen, I’ve been to many meetings with some of my Company teammates. I've interacted with them perosnally. Many of these interactions have not only made me want to shed my own blood but made me want to shed their blood as well. If I can’t have both, then forget it. All or nothing at all.
“There’s Hooters girls in the blood van.” – Temping, but contrary to popular belief, I’m not that dumb.
“You’ll save someone’s life.” – Yeah? Who’s?
Who’s life will I save?
What if they are a bad person?
Suppose, just suppose, I give blood, and they use my blood on someone who kills someone? Wouldn’t I be responsible in some capacity? Wouldn’t that make me an accomplice?
I can’t take the chance my precious blood could go into the body of a raving maniac. Bad enough it would be coming out of one. I don't want to be an accomplice to murder. Best to leave things as they are.
What if... I give my blood to someone, and then I vote in the Presidential Election, and I save their life and they vote the other way?
Haven't I just nullified my own vote? I might as well not even vote in the first place! And that, my freinds, would just be plain Un-American. I can't risk it. Like Hulk Hogan, I AM a real American. I'm a lazy slacker that reads too many comic books and drinks too much beer and relies on others to fight in foreign wars in countries I've never heard of. I don't want to give all that up to give blood. Best to leave things as they are.
What if I donate blood..... and the person getting my blood is just a complete prick?
What if he or she gets my blood, and then becomes even more of a prick? What if I give my blood, and then that person spends the rest of their lives being mean, cruel and awful to everyone they meet? I hate mean people. WHAT A COMPLETE WASTE OF MY BLOOD AND TIME THAT WOULD BE. Best to leave things as they are.
I can’t give blood today.
It breaks the LPR.
And I simply can’t risk my blood going into the body an Engineer.
Best to leave things as they are.
2 comments:
I too once hated needles. Since April of 92 I view them as a miniscule nuisance that can bring much relief. As to blood draws, I had hepatitus when I was 4 or 5. That alone rules me out as a donor. You know the motivation behind my tatoo. No pain at all. Just a mild buzzing sensation on my arm. More annoying than anything else. Keep me up on the homefront issues!
A follow up comment for you. During an employment interview once I was asked if the sight of blood bothered me. I answered as long as it's not mine, I KNOW I am doing good! And if it is mine it fascinates me. I watch when I have blood draws.
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